Fox5 in DC might have been the most quotable local news program ever

Here are just three of my favorite headlines from Brian Bolter and the gang at Fox5 in DC…

“When asked about hygiene, one child told a state official recently, he washes himself with a bar of soap and a sock because nobody will give him a washcloth.”

“Police are looking for four inmates on the loose. Last night they overpowered a jail guard using warm, soapy water.”

“A kid gets drunk while his mother gives birth.”

I miss the sensational headlines from good ol’ Fox5 now that I’m in Denver, where our local news is more of an anchor love fest than an informative program. Back in DC, we used to get the panic/hysteria teasers and 10 second bumps just before the show. Here, all we get is reporters reading us information in between complimenting each other on their hair or outfits. I miss my panic news. The news out here is too calm and relaxed.

Here’s one from Geraldo At Large for the road:
“There’s nothing wrong with your TV, you are watching small children ride sheep.”

Lindsay Lohan, the Betta Fish

A little over a week ago, it was reported that Lindsay Lohan got into yet another fight, this time with actress Michelle Trachtenberg, at a club in Miami.

MSNBC reported:
“The “Mean Girls” star caused a stir at Miami Beach’s Shore Club recently when she spotted Trachtenberg across the room.
“Those two hate each other, and Lindsay started screaming, ‘Get her the [bleep] outta here!” an “eyewitness” told the tab. “She was threatening to get physical and actually fight Michelle, saying, ‘I’ll kick her [bleeping] [bleep]!”
Lohan reportedly left Shore Club shortly after the outburst.”

I was a little confused at first whether they were describing Lindsay Lohan or a Betta Fish. Let’s compare the two.

Wikipedia tells us that the Betta, or Siamese Fighting Fish as they’re also known, is a fiercely territorial creature. You might have seen them in the pet stores in little individual bowls or bags near the fish section. Betta fish are kept separated because, if housed together, “they will likely fight until one of them dies.” In fact, all sources discourage having two Betta fish in the same tank because, “experiments in housing males together often end in the death of one or both inhabitants of the tank.

Is this really what it’s come to with Lindsay Lohan? She can’t even be in the same bar with another of her species or she feels the need to establish dominance over her territory? She’s really no different than a male Betta fish. I wonder if she also lashes out in a tirade when she sees her own reflection in the mirror, only to be pulled away by her assistants or publicists and reassured that it was only her reflection and not another alpha female trainwreck actress like, oh, say Tara Reid.

Sometimes Hollywood is more like something out of Animal Planet.

Why I love my mom

Today we were trying to get everything together to close on the condo that I’m buying on Monday. Everything was ok on our end, but there were some big screw ups with the seller and my mom was on the phone with the lender, the realtor, and the seller all day trying to work it out. She was talking to the lender and he was saying that he felt bad that things had gotten so messed up. My mom responded with this:

“Well I wish I would have known about this earlier because I would have had two feet in somebody’s ass by now!”

That’s why I love my mom.