Tag: news

The mystery of the car wash heart

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First there was this:

PAW PAW — In what the town’s police chief called a “bizarre” incident, the owner of a car wash found a heart Monday lying in one of the manual wash bays.

Now police are trying to determine if the organ found at Soapy’s Car Wash, 621 W. Michigan Ave., belongs to a human or an animal.

Then this story came along:

PAW PAW — A local hunter claims the heart found at Soapy’s Car Wash on West Michigan Avenue belongs to a deer he shot recently, Paw Paw police said.

But police are still awaiting the results of DNA tests to determine whether the organ found Dec. 15 is in fact the heart of a man or of a beast.
[…]
Police tracked down a hunter — a Paw Paw-area man they are not identifying — who claimed he planned to give the heart to a friend.

And then this story came along to give us the official word:

PAW PAW — Paw Paw’s police chief said a heart found at a car wash in the southwestern Michigan village belonged to a deer. Investigators had been trying to determine the organ’s origin since Dec. 15, when the owner of Soapy’s Car Wash found it in the corner of a manual wash bay.

First, how weird would it be to go to a car wash and see a heart lying on the ground?!

Then, I like that the hunter guy claimed he was planning on giving it to a friend. Was someone like, “Hey, while you’re out, can you pick up some milk, paper towels and a human-like heart?”

Next, I like that people started to get suspicious of the hunter and think that maybe, just maybe, it was a human heart. Sure, he seems normal, but what if this “hunter” actually hunts humans like some bad action movie? Better investigate just to be sure.

Upon reading this, I also flashed on the idea of the heart making it’s way to the lost and found at the car wash. Like, there’s a box with an old cellphone, a couple dashboard trinkets, a single glove, and what appears to be a human heart.

The internet never disappoints when it comes to weird news stories.

From MLive.com by way of KWGN.com

Is it a baby… or is it a burrito?

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It seems like each day there’s some other bizarre news story on the internet. I saw this one on boingboing.net. A clip from the police blotter section of a Silicon Valley area paper stated the following:

Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trashcan. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

I just like that whoever made the 911 call didn’t actually check if there was a baby in a trash can, but rather, saw a baby-shaped thing from afar and then ran to alert the authorities. Just think about the tax dollars that were spent to send cops to investigate a discarded snack.

The comments on the post were just as good as the story itself. One person wrote:

somewhere in my vast paper collection, i have a clipping from an atlantic city newspaper police blotter that said someone found a penis in the buffet lasagne tray that either belonged to “a person, or small mammal.” never another word about it in subsequent papers.

Another echoed my logic saying:

Still, you think they would have actually confirmed it was a baby and not, you know, a burrito before calling the cops.

And one joked:

Its a sad world we live in where someone could just throw a burrito away like it was a baby. Don’t they know there are college students with the munchies who can’t have burritos of their own?

I swear, the amount of pointless “news” stories on the internet is staggering.

Sandwich assault

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From Yahoo News

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. – Police said a Port St. Lucie man was arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend, the second food attack that sent a man to jail in about a month. According to a police report released Monday, the 20-year-old man threw the sandwich at his girlfriend’s face during an argument about auto insurance and then hit her head with his fist.

The man admitted to throwing the food but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge.

Last month, another man was arrested on a battery charge for hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a traffic crash.

Police reports did not what type of sandwich was used in either attack.

First, I find it amazing that someone who would throw a sandwich at another person has a girlfriend. Who dates a guy who wins an argument by chucking some cold cuts at your head?

Next, it seems that this is one of several sandwich attacks that have occurred in recent times. Perhaps it signals a larger trend towards sandwich assaults as opposed to regular old domestic violence. I like that the second attack “nearly caused a traffic crash”. This means that someone was operating a moving vehicle while a.) throwing a sandwich or b.) being hit with a sandwich. I wonder if insurance covers that.

Armed burglars demand eggbeater

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Now that’s a headline!

I just came across this news item while browsing stories on my Mobile News iPhone App. It comes to us from TampaBayOnline…

TAMPA – It must be one special eggbeater.

That was the loot two men demanded after entering a home in Plant City, one brandishing a pistol and the other holding a knife to the resident’s throat, the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office said.

The two men face charges of armed burglary of a dwelling after being caught outside the home on State Road 60 in Plant City about 4:25 a.m. Sunday, the sheriff’s office said.

Deputies arrested Robert Eugene Thompson, of 2211 Holloman Road, Plant City, and Taurus Deshane Morris, of 5852 Odom Road, Lakeland.

Besides the burglary charge, Thompson faces a charge of aggravated assault.

The sheriff’s office said the two men entered the home about 3:35 a.m. Thompson armed himself with a folding knife while Morris held a chrome pistol, arrest reports said.

Thompson held the knife against the victim’s neck and demanded the metal eggbeater, which was found in his left back pocket when he was arrested, the sheriff’s office said.

Thompson and Morris are being held in Orient Road Jail with no bail.

People do some crazy stuff, but this is really spectacular. The very idea that these two face burglary and aggravated assault charges because they just had to have an eggbeater is really astounding to me.

This story was even a bit reminiscent of an old item from the primordial Trashwire about a news story with the headline “Meat juice leads to stolen property”.

Woman who is NOT Britney Spears finds Cheesus

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This just in…

A Missouri woman says she has found Jesus in a bag of Cheetos. When Kelly Ramey opened a snack-sized bag of Cheetos, she felt something unusual and checked it out.

Most of her family and friends believe it looks like a mini orange sculpture of Jesus on the cross. Ramey and her husband call it “Cheesus.” Others see something completely different.

A local minister does not see anything theologically special about the Cheeto, but thinks some good could come from it.

Ramey doesn’t plan to sell the Cheeto because it’s bringing a lot of joy into her home. She will keep it in a safe deposit box or put it on display so more people can enjoy it.

I think they’re focusing on the wrong thing in this story. The real headline should read “Woman who isn’t Britney Spears finds Cheeto Jesus”. The shocking part of this story is not that some crazy chick thinks Jesus is in Cheetos, but that that crazy chick is NOT Brit Brit. Britney has been scouring bags of Cheetos for a lifetime and is yet to discover any divine imagery within the processed snacks.