Category: Notable Quotes

Is it a baby… or is it a burrito?

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It seems like each day there’s some other bizarre news story on the internet. I saw this one on boingboing.net. A clip from the police blotter section of a Silicon Valley area paper stated the following:

Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trashcan. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

I just like that whoever made the 911 call didn’t actually check if there was a baby in a trash can, but rather, saw a baby-shaped thing from afar and then ran to alert the authorities. Just think about the tax dollars that were spent to send cops to investigate a discarded snack.

The comments on the post were just as good as the story itself. One person wrote:

somewhere in my vast paper collection, i have a clipping from an atlantic city newspaper police blotter that said someone found a penis in the buffet lasagne tray that either belonged to “a person, or small mammal.” never another word about it in subsequent papers.

Another echoed my logic saying:

Still, you think they would have actually confirmed it was a baby and not, you know, a burrito before calling the cops.

And one joked:

Its a sad world we live in where someone could just throw a burrito away like it was a baby. Don’t they know there are college students with the munchies who can’t have burritos of their own?

I swear, the amount of pointless “news” stories on the internet is staggering.

Sandwich assault

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From Yahoo News

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. – Police said a Port St. Lucie man was arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend, the second food attack that sent a man to jail in about a month. According to a police report released Monday, the 20-year-old man threw the sandwich at his girlfriend’s face during an argument about auto insurance and then hit her head with his fist.

The man admitted to throwing the food but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge.

Last month, another man was arrested on a battery charge for hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a traffic crash.

Police reports did not what type of sandwich was used in either attack.

First, I find it amazing that someone who would throw a sandwich at another person has a girlfriend. Who dates a guy who wins an argument by chucking some cold cuts at your head?

Next, it seems that this is one of several sandwich attacks that have occurred in recent times. Perhaps it signals a larger trend towards sandwich assaults as opposed to regular old domestic violence. I like that the second attack “nearly caused a traffic crash”. This means that someone was operating a moving vehicle while a.) throwing a sandwich or b.) being hit with a sandwich. I wonder if insurance covers that.

Armed burglars demand eggbeater

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Now that’s a headline!

I just came across this news item while browsing stories on my Mobile News iPhone App. It comes to us from TampaBayOnline…

TAMPA – It must be one special eggbeater.

That was the loot two men demanded after entering a home in Plant City, one brandishing a pistol and the other holding a knife to the resident’s throat, the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office said.

The two men face charges of armed burglary of a dwelling after being caught outside the home on State Road 60 in Plant City about 4:25 a.m. Sunday, the sheriff’s office said.

Deputies arrested Robert Eugene Thompson, of 2211 Holloman Road, Plant City, and Taurus Deshane Morris, of 5852 Odom Road, Lakeland.

Besides the burglary charge, Thompson faces a charge of aggravated assault.

The sheriff’s office said the two men entered the home about 3:35 a.m. Thompson armed himself with a folding knife while Morris held a chrome pistol, arrest reports said.

Thompson held the knife against the victim’s neck and demanded the metal eggbeater, which was found in his left back pocket when he was arrested, the sheriff’s office said.

Thompson and Morris are being held in Orient Road Jail with no bail.

People do some crazy stuff, but this is really spectacular. The very idea that these two face burglary and aggravated assault charges because they just had to have an eggbeater is really astounding to me.

This story was even a bit reminiscent of an old item from the primordial Trashwire about a news story with the headline “Meat juice leads to stolen property”.

Michael Jackson is a Muslim now?

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Many kids of the 80s are so quick to turn their backs on the King of Pop, but I’m proud to say that I love Michael Jackson. In the words of Dave Chappelle, “He made Thriller… Thriller!”

In recent years (or decades depending on who’s talking) Michael has become more of a “Trashwire” celebrity, someone who’s kooky antics are fun, trashy tabloid fodder.

I recently saw a post on Digg that said that Michael recently converted to Islam and will change his name to Mikaeel. Of course, this was accompanied by a photo of him, covered from head to toe in “a traditional Arab women’s veil”.

My question to the world is this:
Is this really shocking to anyone? Is anything Michael does shocking to anyone anymore?

I feel like that bit on Weekend Update, “Really?!? With Seth and Amy”, where I just want to say, “Really, folks? Really? You’re really that surprised when Michael Jakson does something weird? Really?”

Anyway, I had to post the link because, despite the fact that I detest all these little short blurbs about “Jacko’s” daily misadventures, I find it rather irresistable to keep up with such non-news.