‘The Two Coreys’ is a new “reality” show on A&E that stars former 80s stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. The show could have been a fantastic celebreality guilty pleasure, were it not so hopelessly contrived. Every episode is less like a reality show and more like a poorly written sitcom, minus the laugh track.

A couple weeks ago, there was an episode where slovenly frosted-tipped Haim butted heads with Susie Feldman, the skinny LA stereotype wife of his BFF, Corey Feldman, criticizing her for being taking away his former party buddy. As Feldman tried to calm Haim down and tell him to lay off Susie, Haim shouted, “Who is she?! She’ll never be part of The Coreys!”

I just like the idea of The Coreys, as a gang of washed up former child-stars who roam the streets like the leather-jacket-clad street toughs in the “Beat It” video.

Is it really a gang if it’s just two people? I think that’s the smallest possible gang, actually. Otherwise, it’d just be one douche named Corey.

Then I started to think about what the initiation would be to get into The Coreys. Maybe you’d have to star in a vampire movie and then immediately fuck up your entire career. Maybe you’d have to gain a bunch of weight or get married on ‘The Surreal Life’. Maybe you’d have to executive produce a totally scripted reality show that is so bad that even trash-tv lovers like me couldn’t stomach it.

The whole idea of a gang called The Coreys reminded me of this clip from ‘Reno 911!’

I bet being a member of the Grape Slushies carries more street cred than being part of The Coreys. In fact, I think Terry from ‘Reno 911!’ could probably take every member of The Coreys (all two of them) in his short shorts and roller skates without even breaking a sweat. Man, I’d really love to see that.

For now, I think we should all feel a little better about ourselves knowing we are not members of The Coreys.