This one is for Journey’s “Separate Ways”

MC Hammer’s video “Too Legit to Quit”

Hall & Oates video for “Man Eater”

Nelson with “After the Rain”

Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth” (the full version)

Winger “Seventeen” video

If I find more, I’ll post them too. I also plan to post clips of 25 Lame when I get a chance. It was so awesome that it should be seen by all of humanity!

Way back in 1999, there was a show on MTV called 25 Lame. It featured comedians Jon Stewart, Janeane Garofalo, Denis Leary, and Chris Kattan all sitting on a couch and giving commentary on some of the worst videos ever made. They played Billy Squire’s “Rock Me Tonight”, Aqua’s “Barbie Girl”, Gerardo’s “Rico Suave”, and many more bad video classics. The show became infamous right away because it was also the place where Rob Van Winkle, AKA Vanilla Ice, completely snapped and ended up destroying half the set and nearly clubbing Jon Stewart in the head with a baseball bat after being forced to watch his “Ice Ice Baby” video.

I went through YouTube searching for clips, but I couldn’t find many. What I was dying to see was the videos themselves, uncut and in all their horrible glory. I managed to find the Don Johnson video “Heartbeat”, which was voted the worst video of all time. Enjoy, my friends, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULI5kolBpAk

“The thought of love, right now, makes me want to throw up.”
-Heidi on MTV’s The Hills

You know it’s gotten bad when Chaotic was the best you’ve looked in years.

Remember when Chaotic, Britney and Kevin’s “home movie” reality show, aired on TV and we all thought “Wow! Britney is a dumb, trashy, skank!”? Well that was only an appetizer for the skanky trash display we were about to see. Britney continues to amaze me because, every single time she seems to have hit rock bottom in her life and I’m certain her career is over, she discovers an entirely new low point.

I remember watching Chaotic and thinking, “I’m shocked her people let her release this because it makes her look like a bumbling moron who is getting played so hard by Kevin Federline.” It was true. She looked totally ignorant. Kevin looked like those white kids that hang out outside of Footlocker and wear oversized Iverson jerseys so black people think they’re “gangsta” and treated her like crap in every single episode… and she followed him around like a puppy. It was almost sickening to watch.

On top of that, she seemed like a 10-year-old trapped in the body of a pop star. It was like something out of Big or the Jennifer Garner movie Thirteen Going on Thirty where she is suddenly transformed into an adult even though she retains the mind of a 13-year-old. Britney seemed like your typical former child star. She had grown up and now she was a hot chick, but her brain was at the level of most 6th graders.

She showed off her ignorance and stupidity at every turn. In one episode, it became apparent that she knew nothing about Europe, including the fact that it consists of many different countries, when she kept referring to it as “overseas” as opposed to stating which nation, or even which city, she was currently in. In another episode, she decided to analyze some art hanging in her room and explained that the image was “a woman on top of the world and in love with [the man in the picture]… but he’s gonna break her heart, or put something through it.” And let’s not forget the infamous line, “They look like boobs, but they’re not, they’re my knees!” which was followed by moronic laughter. It was like she and Jessica Simpson were in some kind of battle for the title dumbest blonde pop star on a reality show.

Chaotic made her look bad, but if we compare her then and now, it made her look like Princess Diana.

I feel like right now, Hollywood is in a gigantic trash competition, a whore-off if you will, where trainwreck celebrities like Britney, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and of course, Tara Reid, compete to see who can sink to the lowest low. Who can be the sloppiest drunken whore? Who can flash their beaver to the most photographers? Who can be forced into rehab the most times? Who can do things that would make most insane homeless people blush and still pretend they’re a role model for little girls? Paris used to be the front runner in this contest (because she seemed to invent this game) but lately Britney’s been going for the title.

It all reminds me of that episode of South Park called “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” where all the little girls in South Park idolized Paris Hilton and strived to be the stupidest and most spoiled whore in town. They threw crazy drunken parties, made sex tapes, and wore hoochie clothes as they prostituted themselves for attention. In the end, the girls discovered that it was stupid… oh, and Mr. Slave shoved Paris Hilton up his ass.

These girls are the biggest attention whores in the world. It’s only a matter of time before one of them sets herself on fire just to get her picture on the cover of Us Weekly. I wouldn’t be surprised if right now Paris Hilton is trying to figure out how steal the spotlight from Anna Nicole Smith. Maybe she’s asking around and trying to see how she could overdose and die, but still watch herself on Entertainment Tonight.

Our hands aren’t clean in this matter either. We pay attention to these whores, thus fueling their desire for even more attention. I know I’m totally to blame too. I did create TRASHwire.com after all and we spend all our time ferociously following the Anna Nicole drama as it unfolds or watching the latest reality tv abortion. However, we understand the difference between a trashy star and a real one and we can appreciate real art at the same time as loving total garbage for it’s guilty pleasure factor. We might be the only people on earth who like The 400 Blows and The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency.

Still, the battle for sloppiest celebrity whore rages on. Britney has pulled into the lead these days, but I’m sure we’ll see Lindsay or Paris gain some ground in the future. Fortunately for you, we’ll read about it so you don’t have to. When you’re looking for your trashy celebrity fix, all you have to do is click over to Trashwire.

Yesterday, the world of bad movies lost a major player when buxom blonde b-movie bombshell Anna Nicole Smith passed away in her hotel room in Florida.

She will be remembered by Trashwire, not only for her performance in bad movie classics like the infamous Skyscraper, but also for her classic trashy reality show The Anna Nicole Show. Her body of work brought us fantastic bad movie quotes like everyone’s favorite line from Skyscraper, “Well excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies.” Her reality show also introduced us to other pop culture d-list figures like her designer Bobby Trendy or her homely assistant Kimmy. The show even spawned parodies on shows like SNL, which summarized the first episode in an animated “TV Funhouse” clip showing Anna Nicole as Smurfette. Not since Jessica Simpson asked the infamous “Is this chicken or it is fish?” has a blonde from Texas made such a career off being an airhead.

While her acting career might not have been stellar, she certainly brought the people at Trashwire a lot of joy. In fact, I can remember the first time I saw Skyscraper. I was shocked and horrified, but I loved every minute of it. The generic Euro bad guys, the repeated shot of Anna Nicole’s red fingernails gripping the controls on the helicopter, the puppy that appears and disappears with the little boy, the control room set that looked like something left over from a 1970s sci-fi movie… everything in the film was delightfully bad. I believe that there are two films that really capture what we mean when we say “the best of the worst” at Trashwire: Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 classic The Room and Anna Nicole Smith’s Skyscraper. In fact, Tommy Wiseau and Anna Nicole were like prom king and queen of our site because they truly made the best bad movies around.

We’ll certainly all remember Anna Nicole because, unlike Paris Hilton or Tara Reid, she seemed to be in on the joke. As much as people made fun of her, she also made fun of herself. She never seemed to believe she was something she was not, unlike Paris or Tara, and seemed to enjoy her Angeline-like pop culture status.

I’ll leave you now with the YouTube video for the “TV Funhouse” short with Anna Nicole as Smurfette.

Since it’s property of SNL, who knows how long it’ll be available online… check it out while you can.